Ah, the G-20 – how it breaks the heart and stings the soul with the scent of “Evita,” “The Fountainhead,” “Citizen Kane” and all those glamorous Hollywood tales of megalomania run amok and ultimately grounded into the muck and mire.
There in Argentina, the most famous twosome this side of Anthony and Cleopatra – President Donald J. “Donnie Two Scoops” Trumpet and President Vladimir “Vladdie the Laddie, Rootin’ Tootin’ Putin” --were slated to meet, with bromantics salivating at the thought of manly handshakes that meant so much more and furtive glances under reptilian eyes.
But alas, it was not meant to be as former consigliere Michael “Mikey Cocoa Puffs” Cohen, spilled the beans to special counsel Robert Mueller about Two Scoops’ plans for a Moscow Trump Tower even as he was running for prez. Nothing like covering your bases. So Donnie must’ve told Vladdie they’d have to cool it, then issued a statement saying that the two wouldn’t be meeting, because Rootin’ Tootin’ was playing a little too rough on Ukraine. Yeah, sure, let’s go with that.
In the end, the two settled for what my friend Robin calls a “hey, girlfriend” moment, a quickie of an informal meet. (Why don’t these two simply get a room?) Meanwhile, is Vladdie two-timing Donnie with would-be rapper MbS, alias Saudi Arabian Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman? They have so much in common, not the least of which is the belief that people are ultimately just collateral damage, and let’s not forget the free hand to exercise that belief. Whereas Donnie is hampered in playing full throttle by something called the Constitution and another thing called Congress, which appears to have grown a backbone.
The G-20 wasn’t all dangerous liaisons. The nations agreed to reform trade – uhuh – and 19 of the 20 agreed on climate change. Guess which nation didn’t despite a recent dire report from its own government. But then Two Scoops noted that intelligent people like You Know Who don’t believe in climate change. This from the guy who thinks you can rake your way out of a forest fire and believes that climate is the same as weather. So, because it was cold for “The Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade,” there’s no such thing as climate change, which is like saying that because I have $20 in my wallet at the moment, that’s all I’m worth. Climate is the overall pattern. Weather is the moment. Yet that concept somehow eludes Two Scoops or maybe it’s just an inconvenient economic truth.
Anyhoo, back on trade, Two Scoops is going to ease up on Chinese tariffs, which have had the stock market bouncing around like a knuckleball, and President Xi Jinping, who seems to be always playing the long game, has agreed to buy more American stuff.
Donnie was, of course, thrilled with this triumphant accomplishment, which pretty much has us back at square one, but cancelled the press conference in which he could once again expound on how terrific he is – and how terrible the press is – in deference to President George H.W. Bush, who died Friday.
Whatever you thought of his politics, Bush wouldn’t have wandered off from a G-20 class picture, leaving his host, Argentine President Mauricio Macri, hanging the way Two Scoops did.
Bush was a class act.