Dear Nobel Committee-san,
It is with the utmost humility and civility in that decorous but still somehow aloof Asian manner — not to mention the teensiest, weensiest bit of arm-twisting by the White House — that I write to you to nominate President Donald J. Trumpet of the United States of America and Chairman L’il Kim Jong-un of North Korea for the Nobel Peace Prize — the committee’s answer to the Miss Congeniality Award.
As prime minister of Japan — Land of the Rising Sun and, of course, beloved Hello Kitty — I am well-positioned to have observed the peculiar particularities of these two large — r than life — men, who are set to meet Wednesday and Thursday in Hanoi. Why, it was only the other day that German Chancellor Angela Merkel reminded me that El Presidente Trump had done more to unify the world — Europeans, environmentalists, immigrants, individuals of color, Democrats and kneeling football players, to name a few — than anyone in recent memory. Just as history remembers President Abraham Lincoln as “the Great Emancipator,” it will no doubt one day record President Trump as “the Great Unifier.”
As for Chairman Kim, who in Asia is not familiar with the prodigious peculiarities of the Mozart of the Korean Peninsula? At 3, he learned to drive; at 12, attained a perfect golf score; at 20, won a whole basketball game himself. His embrace of the highest standards of American culture — evinced by his friendship with former NBA great Dennis Rodman — illustrates his ability to think outside the box, so crucial to the peace process. Again, I refer to Chancellor Merkel, who said that words could not begin to describe all that Chairman Kim is. Indeed, I do not think that all the Nobel literature laureates combined could make this stuff up.
Which is why I must now sign off to savor a restorative cup of tea and explain this missive to my disapproving wife.
Yours in cherry blossom time,
Prime Minister of Japan